Decisions
by onmyside
Summary: The summer of the last London Season before the war. Carson has left for London leaving behind a birthday present for Mrs. Hughes, asking for a decision.
1. Late May 1914

_Rating: K+_

_Summary: It is the last season before the war. Charles Carson is away in London but left behind a birthday present for Elsie Hughes - something she had maybe hoped for but certainly not expected. What will her decision be?_

_Disclaimer: not at all mine. I only borrowed them for this little fanfic. They belong to Julian Fellowes and ITV._

_A new little fanfic, bit of angst, bit of drama, bit of fluff. Enjoy reading._

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**late May 1914**

_Her fingers hesitantly touched the golden locket that was lying on the table in front of her, glinting in the sunlight that fell through one of the small windows in her sitting room. The surface was so smooth and felt so wonderful underneath her fingers, urging her so desperately to open it again. Yet she could not pick it up and have a closer look at it once more. The one glance she had taken yesterday night had been too much already. His absence made it even worse. Without him it was impossible for her to find answers to all the questions she had, all the fears and uncertainties that had haunted her in her dreams last night. Her fingers curled around the small piece of jewellery, holding it so tight in her now closed hand that it would most likely leave a mark on her palm. She had to feel something, had to experience at least some physical contact with him even if it was only through this precious golden locket. _

_Anna had handed her the present yesterday, unaware of what the little black box, wrapped in white paper and decorated with a blue silk ribbon, actually contained. _

_"Mr. Carson told me to give this to you at the end of the day. Happy Birthday, Mrs. Hughes." the smile on the head housemaid's face had been lovingly and warm, indicating only that she was happy for the housekeeper. Nothing more, at least Elsie hoped that this was the case. _

_Without any further comment she had accepted the gift with a put-on smile and sent Anna upstairs to bed while she went into his abandoned pantry to turn off the electric lights, check the lock on the silver cabinet one more time and close the window she had left open during the day. A daily routine when he was in London. The little parcel stood on his desk all the while, waiting to be opened by her. Elsie looked at it, but dared to touch it again, knowing fairly well that it would contain something special and probably even expensive. Something that she would actually love but at the same time detest because he most likely had spent a month wages on it. His presents had always been thoughtful and too expensive. In the beginning he had given her books. She had accepted them thankfully, always knowing that he had made it his personal quest to find something she liked. But after a while he had started to present specialities, like Belgian Chocolate or a bottle of the finest red wine which they would enjoy together eventually. Gradually his presents became more and more expensive. Whenever Elsie protested he silenced her in his deep voice, telling her to enjoy her special day and that it was his pleasure to make her smile and feel important for one day – as a person not just a housekeeper._

_With a deep sigh she had picked up the little box and left the room to retreat to her bedroom. There was no use in staying up longer. The only person she would have liked to talk to was in London right now. _

_ooooo_

She opened her hand. The locket had left two entwined letters imprinted on her palm that faded quickly but for a moment were clearly visible, although mirror-inverted: E and C. Elsie and Charles. The engraving was delicate and had been done with a lot of skill. He had not just been to any goldsmith but chose the best he could find. Against her decision to ignore the present for the rest of the day she held it between her thumb and index finger and let the sunbeams reflect on its surface once again. It was the finest piece of jewellery she possessed now, should she keep it.

Her thumb brushed over the clasp that held the two halves closed. How easy would it be to open it again with one petty movement, to have a look at the content any other woman would envy her for. She let the finger rest on the clasp for a few seconds before she made her final decision and put the locket back onto the table in front of her.

_Last night Elsie had been curious of course, although she had expected to find something completely different inside the small box. A little porcelain figurine perhaps that would look lovely next to the other ones she had collected over the years. Or a new brooch to replace the one she had lost a while ago. As long as possible she had restrained from pulling off the blue ribbon, unwrapping the box and opening the lid. However when she had finally changed for the night, letting her hair down and braiding it into a loose plait, the room only illuminated by the warm yellow glow of a candle, she had sat down on her bed and reached out for the still wrapped box that stood waiting for her on the bedside table. _

_Carefully she took of the ribbon. Bright blue silk, one of her favourite colours. The white, gauzy paper followed and revealed a black velvet box. Despite the fact, that she would scold Charles Carson, as soon as he returned, for giving her such an overpriced present for what was only another birthday, she felt a bit flattered that there was this one person who took care of her. Not only as a co-worker but as a very good friend. _

_The velvet box made it clear that she would not find another figurine in it. Carefully and with a heart that beat a bit faster than usual she opened the box and stared at the object that it contained, her mouth slightly open from the shock. With trembling fingers she took the golden locket out and touched the engraved letters. When she tried to open it, it almost fell to the floor because she could not at all control her shaking hands. What had he thought when he had bought it? They were colleagues, friends, maybe best friends, but nothing more. At least she had always tried to convince herself that the many different sensations only he was able to evoke in her were completely normal. _

_When she opened the locket a little white piece of paper fell to the ground. Swiftly she picked it up, unfolded it and read the three simple words that made her hold her breath for a few seconds. _

_ooooo_

"Good morning Mrs. Hughes. Did you enjoy your birthday yesterday?" Ana was on her way to one of the guest rooms. Another part of their daily routine during the season. There was not a lot of cleaning to be done while the family was away in London but nevertheless, windows had to be opened every morning, and closed every night.

Elsie had not seen her coming around the corner when she ascended the steps of the main staircase. She must have taken the servant's staircase that ran behind the main corridor, invisible to the eyes of the family and their guest – whenever they were at home. "Good morning Anna. We missed you at breakfast." She did not want to be confronted yet again with yesterday so she avoided the question Anna had surely asked out of politeness and instead answered with another question.

Anna looked down at her feet for a second before she faced the housekeeper. "I wasn't hungry and thought I should rather start the day early."

"Still no letter?"

Anna shook her head and tried to smile, making Elsie believe that everything was fine when it was not. There was more than a good friendship developing between the head housemaid and the valet. She had been aware of that for a while now. And although it was absolutely in her power to stop it, she did not have the heart to reprimand Anna. Especially not now when she found herself in a similar situation.

"He will write. They are only gone three weeks come tomorrow." In an effort to hide her own feelings, a smile that was supposed to look encouraging formed on her lips, but she noticed in the way Anna looked at her, that what she had tried to convey, failed. And she could not blame the girl for her next question.

"Mr. Carson's present was not what you expected then?"

A hardly audible sigh escaped her. "No, not at all, I'm afraid."

Both women avoided each other's eyes and remained silent for a while. A broken heart and a heart that was unsure what its next step should be had been left behind at the big estate. Left alone, waiting for answers to the many open questions. Whereas its keepers were hundreds of miles away probably unaware of the emotions they had evoked. Two more months had to pass until their return to Downton Abbey.

Elsie broke the silence. "You better take care of the red room next. I'll finish my rounds now."

Anna curtseyed and went her way further along the corridor in a hurried pace, eager to go back to work and her mind off.

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**to be continued.**

**reviews are always more than welcome!**


	2. Early June 1914

_A/N Thank you so much for your wonderful reviews so far! They are pure love! Now, some have wondered what Charles had written on that little piece of paper. (I do not reveal it in this chapter, but there are only three words that matter...)_

___Disclaimer: not at all mine. I only borrowed them for this little fanfic. They belong to Julian Fellowes and ITV._

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**Early June 1914**

For a month now, a little black velvet box lay hidden in the topmost drawer of his desk. He made sure to keep the drawer locked at all times, day and night. Not that he mistrusted her or thought of her as a nosy person, he just wanted to make sure that his secret would not accidentally be discovered. It had taken him too long to finally make up his mind and come to a decision on how to tell her the truth.

A piece of jewellery as a birthday present was surely something she would never expect. He could already hear her scolding voice inside his head, reprimanding him on his choice of gift: too expensive, improper, unacceptable. Though the longer he had thought of it the more he was convinced that it was the best way to let her know. How improper and bold it might be. He did not want to think about the possible consequences anymore, because they had occupied his thoughts and made him unnecessarily deny his feelings for too long already.

Feelings. Emotions. He was not very good at expressing or admitting them, never had been. When he had left his home for a life on the stage he had tried to tell himself that he was totally happy with his decision. That this was he wanted to do, give up a quiet and unsatisfying life with his mother in that large house where they were just two out of 50 people; people that did not really matter. But he wanted to matter, make a change, be visible.  
For years this lie worked, kept him doing what he did. Until that incident with Grigg occured. He remembered the one moment when all the pent-up feelings inside him found their release, costing Grigg two teeth and him the life he had chosen as an alternative to being in service. Since that day he had promised himself to keep whatever was bothering him hidden underneath a façade that conveyed professionalism and obedience and only occasionally revealed his true self and feelings.

It was her arrival at Downton Abbey that made him reconsider the role he had defined for himself. That young Scottish housemaid with the auburn hair and the piercing blue eyes who was so different from all the other servants he had came across in his life until then and she changed his life.

ooooo

"_Are you satisfied with the engraving, Sir?" the goldsmith in the shop in Ripon handed him the locket so that he could have a better look at it. Charles let his fingertips ghost over the entwined letters. It was perfect._

"_Yes, you did an excellent work. Would you be so kind and wrap it for me?" He was about to give the piece of jewellery back when an idea came to his mind. Charles withdrew his hand before the goldsmith could take the locket back. "I am sorry, but there is something I need to do before you wrap it. Any chance to borrow a pen and a piece of paper from you?" _

_He wrote down only three words in his fine and accurate handwriting. They stared at him the moment they had appeared on the little piece of paper. This was it. His confession. Something that would change his life forever, hopefully. He was surprised that his hands were shaking when he folded the paper carefully to fit it into the locket. He had never known nervousness like this, was even unfamiliar with stage fright but obviously his heart thought differently._

_Unable to withhold the happy smile on his face he handed over the locket once again to be wrapped properly. _

"_From your smile I gather that this will be a very special gift for someone." _

_Indeed it was._

He recalled the scene once again before taking out the box. Tomorrow he was about to leave for the season in London, leaving Downton Abbey behind for three full months. Like every year since her arrival his utmost wish was to stay with her in Yorkshire rather than accompany the family to the hectic, noisy and dirty capital of Britain. Charles could only imagine what it would be like to have the stately house for their own, without the family present and relieved from all obligations like large dinner parties or taking care of guests. With a small sigh he let her present glide into the pocket of his day jacket, got up from his chair and began his search for Anna.

ooooo

"Mrs. Hughes," Charles had not been attentive enough when he left his pantry, his thoughts somewhere else, focused on the plan he had in mind. Therefore he almost ran into her on the corridor. The only thing preventing him from tripping was holding onto her shoulder. A brief contact like this was enough to quicken his pulse. Quickly he removed his hand and straightened his back, smiling at her innocently. "Please forgive my inattentiveness. I was in a hurry."

She smiled back at him, obviously pleased instead of annoyed by the brief touch she had just experienced. "Nothing to worry about Mr. Carson. Is something the matter? A problem with the preparations for tomorrow?"

"No not at all. Everything is fine and we are perfectly on schedule. I was just looking for…", he hesitated. Would it give him away if he admitted why he had been in such a hurry?

"For whom if I may ask. Maybe I can help?" she inquired curiously, still keeping eye contact with him throughout their conversation. All of a sudden another problem was added to the quickened pulse: the nervousness he had experienced a while ago was back.

He opened his mouth to answer her question when Anna descended the stairs. "Anna." Charles raised his voice to get her attention, causing Elsie to turn around and to his relief focus on the head housemaid instead of him. "Excuse me Mrs. Hughes. I was looking for Anna."

ooooo

"Mr. Carson I feel honoured." Anna let one of her warm smiles play on her lips when he had handed her the present. "I will keep it a secret, I promise. Is there anything you'd like me to say to her?"

"No thank you Anna. She will know that the gift is from me." He felt a bit like a child on Christmas Day, full of joyful anticipation though he tried to hide his emotions as good and much as possible. He was, after all, the most respected member of staff, not one of the hall boys. His feelings were his private matter and not to be shared openly with anyone of the other servants. Except for one.

As soon as Anna had safely and discreetly put his present into the pocket of her apron he made his way upstairs to supervise the final travel preparations.

ooooo

Their good byes were the usual ones. The words just empty phrases, good wishes for the next three months, promised letters. In front of all the other people, Charles could not talk openly to her like he so often did when they met at the end of a long day in either his or her room downstairs. Whereas _openly _did not include at all the feelings he held for her. Those were an entirely different matter, one he would address on her birthday.

Their gestures and the look upon her face on the other hand revealed that instead of the words she actually spoke, she would have loved to express something completely different, more intimate. Maybe tell him that she would miss him? As much as he would miss her?

"I will see you in three month then, Mr. Carson." Her hand lingered above his for a brief moment as if unsure whether she should take it or not. He looked down at it, feeling its presence, then took the opportunity and cautiously touched her elbow instead, giving it a light squeeze.

"You will have time for yourself while I am away. Enjoy the quietness, Mrs. Hughes." One last smile, then he withdrew his hand, turned around and took his seat in the motorcar.

ooooo

The first three weeks passed by so fast that Charles almost forgot her birthday. Lady Sybil had been successfully introduced to London society, already lionized by at least a dozen suitors. Guests were staying at Grantham House almost on a daily basis. He had staff to manage he merely saw once a year, most of the younger housemaids and hall boys were only hired for the season. Managing Grantham House was in fact much more stressful than being at Downton Abbey, though its London equivalent was in fact nothing more than a stately town house. The routine was missing. She was missing.

He looked at his pocket watch. Dinner was over by now at Downton, everyone would soon be on their way upstairs to their own rooms, longing for a deserved rest and a good night's rest. She had certainly gotten his present by now, opened it, been surprised at his choice of gift, and undoubtedly decided to give it back to him the moment he returned. He could see her face in front of his mind's eye, one of her eyebrow skeptically raised, ready to tell him that he had spent too much of his hard earned money on this. Yet he also firmly believed that this time her reaction would be completely different.

_A C and an E were engraved on the golden locket. The letters entwined, almost looking like a single one. He had thought long about it, had played with the thought of having just an E engraved, or E and H, or nothing at all. He could not remember what had made him finally change his mind. It was the final step, the only step left he could take. Yet it was a difficult and uncertain one. What if she did not share his feelings for her? What if he made a complete fool of himself? He risked their friendship with his confession, the only one he ever cared for, the one he needed like the air to breathe. Still he could not step back now. And so he made his decision. _

ooooo

A week after her birthday he received a letter from Downton. It came with the evening post and bore her curved handwriting as well as a faint smell of lily of the valley. A perfume he had once given her for a long gone birthday and a cause for a heated argument between them. Charles kept the letter in the pocket of his tailcoat throughout the evening, too nervous to have a look at it between dinner and the preparations for the next day. Although it was just a simple piece of paper, he could feel the letter in his pocket at all times. Whispering to him in her voice to open it and read it. Eventually he had send the remaining servants to bed, made his final round and switched of all the electric lights before he reached into the pocket to retrieve the letter.

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**to be continued.**

**reviews are what keep me going :) **


	3. Mid June 1914

_A/N I am so sorry for having left you with that cliffhanger. Well actually I am not =D. Thank you for your lovely reviews! _  
_This chapter is for Vluy - because she has written the first German review I have ever received. I thought there were no other German C/E fans out there! So thank you for letting me know that there ARE some!  
_

_As always: the characters do not belong to me. The coypright owners are ITV/Julian Fellowes/Masterpiece ( I think).  
_

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**Mid June 1914 *  
**

It was in the evening after her birthday when she sat down once more at her desk after a long and tiring day, the little box containing the locket next to her, and took out a piece of her finer writing paper. She reached out for her fountain pen, dipped it into the ink bottle and wrote a date into the top right corner. That was all she could think of right now. Half an hour ago her mind had been filled with so many possible ways of telling him how she felt, asking him all the questions she suddenly had, confessing that there had always been something between them she was afraid to admit.

_I love you._

Three simple words and yet their meaning was so strong and so confusing. He had made his confession, admitted his true feelings for her, and obviously thought about it for quite some time. And here she sat, pen in her hand, unable to give him the answer he was most likely waiting for impatiently.

Hesitantly she added two more words to her letter. _Dear Mr. Carson. _Elsie looked at her own handwriting, read his name over and over again, then crossed it out and wrote _Charles _next to it. Again she stared at the words for a while, unsure whether to continue like this or not. He had given her the permission to use his first name, she told herself but in one swift movement her left hand grabbed the paper, crumpled it and threw it into the corner next to the window.

Elsie closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on the battle that was fought within her. Her heart begged her to let go of whatever doubts she had, her mind told her to be reasonable and not risk her position. She pressed her hand to her forehead over her left temple, trying to shoo away at least one of the arguments. Then she began to write once more on a new and empty sheet of paper.

ooooo

She could have easily given her letter to one of the hall boys that was used to running errands. Instead she decided she needed some rather pointless and unnecessary things from one of the shops thus needed to take a walk into the village herself. Carefully she put the letter inside her black handbag, chose her green coat and a matching hat, before leaving the house for the long walk down towards the post office.

The weather was wonderful, warm and sunny and should have calmed her nerves. But it did not. There was this completely different world outside the thick walls of Downton Abbey. Inside she was accustomed to all the different noises and odours of a big house. They were the most familiar things that had always surrounded her since she went into service. She felt safe and secure, knowing every tiny detail, every single noise, could distinguish the steps of the housemaids from that of the kitchen maids. It was her world, the only one she knew, the one that was her life. Though she had often wondered where she would be now if she had chosen a different path years ago, when Joe Burns was the centre of her life. This felt like a lifetime ago, a distant memory, something out of a dream she once had.

With every step that led her closer to the village, she became more nervous. Had she done the right thing? Had she chosen the right words? Elsie did no longer know what to think or feel. In her bag she carried her answer, words written with such immense difficulties that she could not find rest at night. She wanted to tell him everything, echo his words, ignore all doubts and of course reason. But would such a reaction not destroy everything she had worked for so many years? Make void all the effort it had taken her to gain the highest and most respected position within a household?

Suddenly she found herself standing in front of the small post office. With all the thoughts occupying her mind on the way to the village she had completely lost track of time and just walked on an on. And now here she was. Ready to make one of the most important decision in her life.

Elsie let out a deep sigh, adjusted her hat and reached out for the doorhandle when the glass showcase mounted at the sandstone wall outside the building attracted her attention. It announced the village fair, the train timetable and of course the latest engagements, weddings announcements and funeral services. She had never looked at it with much interest before. What was going on in the village was none of her business and none of her concern. She imagined for a brief moment what it would feel like to read her name on one of the announcements, next to his but pushed the thought away the minute it had crossed her mind.

She opened the door and handed the letter over to the post mistress, paid for the postage and saw the envelope disappear in the large brown bag behind the counter.

ooooo

He had to sit down, read it again, let the words sink in, understand them, let them make sense.

_Dear Charles,_

_I am very thankful that you had thought of my birthday although you could not be present this year. Anna has handed me your gift in the evening and I must say that I was surprised to find another present waiting for me that day. Knowing it was from you had left me with some expectations before I found the time to open it. _

_And when I finally discovered what was inside that little box, I knew that I should not keep you waiting for and answer too long. _

He had stopped reading at this particular paragraph when he first unfolded her letter, saw her wonderful neat handwriting, the curved capitals she used when writing her _I's _and the _C _of his first and given name. She must have written this letter right away or it would not have arrived so soon. So far there was nothing to worry about. It read like a normal letter but with a wonderful prospect of turning into the answer he so longed and wished for.

_But right now there are too many questions to ask and no answers to have because I need you to answer them. I appreciate your gift immensely, however I cannot think of a way to express what it means to me. Not yet, Charles. Not in a simple letter. Please forgive me._

_Warm regards,_

_Elsie_

But then the letter ended like this and it broke his heart. He had overstepped their invisible line that was strong enough to allow him to call her a friend but apparently nothing more than that. He had taken the risk and failed, ruined everything just because he could no longer pretend to be her friend only. It hurt him to reread the last part of her letter yet again. Too many questions. Of course she had questions, how foolish of him to think that she would write him what would be considered a love letter, echo his words, repeat the three simple words. _I love you. _Charles did not know when he had secretly started to say this powerful sentence to himself whenever he felt like it. Most of the time he did not voice the words but he heard them inside his head. Whenever that happened only a faint smile directed at her revealed what was occupying his mind. Of course she had more than once smiled back at him, without even knowing the truth. Then there were times when Charles spoke the words aloud, whispered them as soon as she had left his pantry, passed him on the stairs. Because he had to hear them, had taken the risk to be overheard by hear.

She could not express her feelings she wrote, not in a simple letter, not yet. For him that meant that he had lost her.

ooooo

Another week had passed since that day she posted her letter. The locket was safely stored away in one of the drawers of her bedside table, only for her eyes to see, only for her fingers to touch. She had not given him an answer but she took out the precious gift night after night, let her fingers open the golden lid and take a look at the small piece of paper again and again.

Tonight made no difference to the new routine she had established. Dressed in her simple white linen nightgown, her hair loosely braided, she sat in her old armchair, the velvet box on her lap, ready to be opened. With a faint click, the lid sprung open, revealing his gift once more. She took it out, held it into the light the small oil lamp on her bedside table spent, watched as the golden surface reflected the flame and then opened the fastening on the golden chain for the first time. She had made up her mind, answered one of the questions that had haunted her for the last two weeks.

ooooo

Above her heart two letters and a little piece of paper rested, hidden underneath several layers of cloth, the only visible sign that she wore his gift was the golden chain around her neck. Though this was also covered most of the time by the high collar of her dark blue day dress, invisible to the unobservant eye, an uninteresting detail for most of the servants.

Elsie was on her way to her sitting room when the head housemaid approached her, calling out her name to get her attention. "Mrs. Hughes?"

"Anna, is something the matter?" She was about to take a rest from an exceptional busy morning they had. A house like Downton Abbey always required a lot of attention even when the family was away for the season. She had a long list of additional duties that tended to be forgotten about when the house was full. Some of them they had been going through this morning and it had included scrubbing the floor in the main hall.

A bit out of breath, Anna stopped in front of her. "The mail has finally arrived. They were late due to a blockage on the main railroad tracks." She indicated the bunch of letters she held in her hands and then stared at her neck for a second too long.

"Thank you Anna. Is there something else?" she followed the girls gaze and noticed where her eyes were locked.

Anna cleared her throat and looked up into Elsie's eyes. "Well, I finally received a letter."

"I am glad to hear. Is it the one you expected?"

Her cheeks turned the slightest pink. "It is."

"Well then, you should go and read it." She answered with a smile before she was about to turn around, ignoring the fact that Anna had obviously discovered the golden chain around her neck but the housemaid held her back.

"Mrs. Hughes." Anna stepped closer. "I know I am in no position to ask you this but I never saw you wearing any jewellery and I wonder if this was the gift I handed to you, the one from Mr. Carson."

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* Sorry for the confusion regarding the timeline: I seem to be the Queen of jumping back and forth a timeline. The chapter always ends with the time indicated above the first paragraph :)

**to be continued**

**thank you for reading and keep the reviews coming :) they mean a lot to me!  
**


	4. Mid to end of June 1914

_A/N Damn it! I've never written an update that fast! Thank you for all your wonderful reviews and the encouragement and ideas you gave me. Somehow this fourth chapter turned out completely different from the way I'd planned it. REALLY. It has a life of it's own. I am not entirely happy with it (wording for example). But anyway, here's chapter four._

_Disclaimer: The characters are not my invention. They belong to ITV/Masterpiece/Julian Fellowes and whoever else is involved in all of this.  
_

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**Mid to end of June 1914**

London usually made him forget a few of the worries that plagued him during the rest of the year. Here he was always immensely busy, occupied by the many tasks he had to take care of apart from his usual ones. The amount of work and stress was the same as every year, but somehow this time his worries never stopped existing, instead they grew with every day he did not hear back from her.

He had answered her letter a week after he had received it, tried to be as polite and informal as possible, thanked her for letting him know that she had received his present. Not with a single word did he mention the actual reason for giving her the locket as a birthday present. It was all about pretending not to be hurt, to be still the same person he had always been, the friend, the confidant, the butler. If she did not want him, could not accept his offer, did not love him back, then he would have to live with it. Charles could not lose her, simply let her go.

And then she did not write back. What had he expected? A sudden turn of events? The answer he had hoped for in a second letter from her? He could not fool himself, not any more. With his second attempt to win her heart, this time as a friend, he had certainly made things even worse. The thought of having lost her caused him to stay awake at night, made him particularly touchy and had him in a bad mood for quite some time now.

"Carson you seem pretty occupied in your own thoughts these days," Lord Grantham recognized one evening after dinner when Charles passed some brandy around the group of gentlemen they had invited to Grantham house.

"Beg pardon milord?" he tried to avoid the answer, knowing fairly well that it would not help to solve his problems, nor take away his constant worries.

"Well, I haven't seen you smile for at least a week and the housemaids always seem in rather a hurry whenever you pass by them," Robert Crawley chuckled and took a sip of his brandy. Some of the other men joined his merry spirit. They were laughing about him, Charles bitterly thought. I have become a figure of ridicule for them. "They seem to be afraid of you." Lord Grantham added.

Charles cleared his throat before he spoke to avoid a harsh answer towards his employer. "I am sorry milord to have been the cause of such a behaviour. None of the staff have talked to me about this problem so far. I can assure you that I will have a look at it later." Hopefully Lord Grantham would drop the topic now. He did not want to explain the exact nature of his worries and he could not explain them. If he did, he inevitably risked his position and her reputation.

"Well, talk to them then. But Carson, there _is _something the matter. Come on, something is bothering you."

For the briefest moment he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could no longer avoid the answer. What he could do was telling something close to the truth which would not costs them their position. It was the only possible solution. "Milord, to be honest, I am a bit worried about Downton at the moment."

"Why is that?" six pair of eyes were fixed on the butler right now. The two other gentlemen took a great pleasure in their conversation. "I am sure Mrs. Hughes has everything under control, she always has."

"That's the point, milord. I haven't heard from her yet." Which was not entirely true but he could not tell the real reason for his worries.

"Oh, come on Carson! She would have written you a letter or a telegram if something had happened."

She would do that, with a certainty he would never doubt. When it came to her work, Elsie was as passionate as he was, following her own set of rules, rigid and with such efficiency he had never encountered in any housekeeper before her. It was one of the many reasons he had fallen in love with her, a rather unromantic thing in fact, still it was a character trait he adored. Amongst many others. The moment he thought of her a smile crossed his lips, small, probably not visible to anyone else in the room, but it was there.

"There, now you are smiling!" Lord Grantham put down his brandy tumbler. "So it cannot be that bad."

The smile faded instantly and was replaced by the most serious and look he could muster. "Indeed milord." Which was a lie.

ooooo

She stared at the housemaid for a second too long, her fingers reaching up to the collar of her dress absentmindedly, touching the delicate golden chain around her neck she had been sure no one would notice. It was there, lying on her bare skin, like a promise, half an answer to his confession. She had rather kept this secret to herself than sharing it with anyone else, though Anna was probably the only other person in this big household she could trust, apart from him. She felt the pair of eyes on her hand, waiting, expecting an answer, be it a lie or the truth.

"As it was you who handed me the present I will for once not reprimand you, Anna", she answered with a soft voice only reserved for that special head housemaid standing in front of her. "Yes, it is the gift from Mr. Carson though I am thinking about giving it back. It is much too valuable."

Anna raised an eyebrow. "But you accepted the gift and obviously you like it, otherwise you would not wear it."

Of course she was right, Elsie thought. Though she would never understand what made her wear the locket in the first place. Anna had this feeling of a new, fresh and growing love inside her, one she could show, even if it was only to the attentive eye. Elsie on the other hand secretly wore a locket in which two letters were engraved, so close to each other that they looked like one. It was a symbol for something she had never thought would become true. Admittedly their love was something that only existed on a tiny piece of paper, had been revealed by him alone. She had done nothing yet to acknowledge her own feelings towards him. It had needed an observant pair of eyes and a simple statement to help her answer another of the questions that had haunted her for so many days.

ooooo

When had she started to call him a friend? Her first years at Downton Abbey had been so different from all the other employments. This house was not only larger than the ones she had previously worked at, the people that lived here were kinder, more caring, supportive and soon became her surrogate family. Making it much easier for her to adjust to this new lifestyle and to the role she played in all of this. First head housemaid, then, after only two years, housekeeper. She had learned fast, worked hard and gained the trust of both, the old housekeeper and the younger butler. How proud had she been when he had opened the door to her sitting room on the day of her promotion.

Elsie let her thoughts travel back to this particular day, saw his face before her, heard his voice and the smile that came with it when he started to talk about her new position. She had always admired him for his kindness and fairness and now she looked up to him because he would become her closest colleague.

And he had soon been more than just that. She told him everything, completely trusted him and his judgment, needed his knowledge about the house and the various members of the Crawley family. This was the start of their friendship Elsie thought. And the more her thoughts went back to all those small and private moments they had shared each and every night for so many years, the more she understood him.

This night she did not take the locket off. Instead the chain around her neck remained where it was, hidden underneath her nightdress, resting atop of her heart, making her realize that friendship had turned into something much more important, stronger and desirable. Love.

And then she thought of the answer she had given him and her fingers closed around his gift, holding it so tight, that her knuckles turned white from the force she used.

ooooo

His letter arrived a few days later in the evening post. It was one of the hall boys who handed it to her but Anna who noticed the expression on her face, the fear, the uncertainty, the way she held the piece of paper in her hands. Elsie waited until everyone was asleep before she allowed herself some rest in front of the fireplace in his pantry. The unopened letter resting in her lap, the ink he had used to write down her name and the address dotted with wet spots from the first tears she had shed since she was a child.

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**To be continued**

_Sorry for strange choices of words. I usually take my time to improve my vocabulary - this time I just started writing and did not check the result afterwards. Reviews are always very welcome!_**  
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	5. Late June 1914

**Made a slight change in the last chapter: William was with Carson in London! Forgot that! **

_A/N Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews!  
_

_Timeline: Finally Charles and Elsie are in the same timezone ;)  
_

_Beware: this chapter is completely stupid - I wrote it while being at home with a massive cold. So my head had the strangest ideas and my fingers did not always cooperate._

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**Late June 1914**

She kept the letter underneath a book on her bedside table, still unopened, the fear of reading his answer too immense to handle it. Rejection and denial was what she expected to find in the envelope. An answer to her previous letter which had contained nothing but a vague promise of giving him an answer as soon as he would return. What a prospect for a man who had taken such a risk to make her happy, to confess his feelings, to break all the given rules and overcame his own doubts. She had been so unfair, still, at that moment she could not have written a different letter.

It took her another week to be able to face all of this. Another week of wasted time and chances. Almost every moment she had spent alone had been devoted to recall again past moments she had shared with him. She tried to find a starting point, a moment when she knew that what she felt for him was more than friendship. Soon she realized that there was none, that it had simply happened one day. There might have been a brief touch, a look into his eyes that lasted a moment too long. She could not tell when she had started to love him. She only knew now for certain that she did.

At night, alone in her room, the world outside already asleep and with no one to disturb her, Elsie carefully removed the book, revealed the letter with the tear-stained address. She rested her head against the headboard of her bed, tugged the covers around her body tighter before she slowly opened the envelope and took out his letter.

He had not written a lot. His answer was short and he tried to suppress any emotions he might have had. But Elsie believed that she could read between the lines, was certain that he was hurt and unable to express it. She read it once, twice, a third time, clutching the locket that hung above her heart, feeling the warm metal on the inside of her palm, reassuring her that not everything was lost. A few tears found their way down her cheeks but she ignored them. Instead she folded the letter carefully, put it back to its safe place underneath the book and opened the locket.

There it was: the message he had initially left for her. _I LOVE YOU. _The shock she had experienced when she first saw these words was long gone and replaced now by her own words which she whispered into the darkness of her bedroom. "I love you too."

ooooo

He lay awake that night after that humiliating conversation at dinner. Lying to his employer was one thing but showing his feelings for her openly, even if it was just a half-hidden smile, was another. He had to keep himself under control for the rest of the season, not let his emotions prevail. Especially because he did not know what to feel anymore, whether to let his heart take control or listen to the voice inside his mind.

What she had written in her letter was unambiguous. She did not love him. And his answer made clear that he could hide, what he had just revealed to her, again, for the rest of his life if necessary. His mind told him to return to their professional relationship, their friendship when he returned from London. Everything would be as it always had been. Smiles, nice conversations, sharing a bit of personal information, but no touches, no intimacies.

Charles turned around in his bed, stared at the empty wall separating his room from that of the other servants. At Downton he knew what lay hidden behind those walls: her room. How often had he fell asleep by just staring at the wooden boards, the thin wall, knowing who was on the other side. He closed his eyes and tried to forget where he was and the five more weeks that separated him from being at home again, being close to her again. He would love her, secretly, no matter what she thought about his feelings. He would let his heart make the final decision this time.

ooooo

In the morning a telegram arrived. One of the housemaids hurried down the stairs of Grantham house, almost missed the last step in front of the kitchen and breathlessly knocked on the door of his pantry.

"Mr. Carson. Telegram for you. It's urgent", she panted and handed him the slip of paper, turned around in the same hurry and left his room.

He unfolded the telegram and read the short message, signed with her name, then rushed out of his pantry to look for William. He found the second footman taking care of the dinner guests' suitcases, getting them ready for their later departure. Charles took a moment to catch his breath and straighten his vest and coat before he approached the young footman.

"William, a telegram has arrived." Elsie Hughes had not needed a lot of words. The message was short and clear. _Send William home. Mother dying. E. Hughes. _With a worried look on his face he handed over the telegram, ready to comfort the boy as soon as he had read it. But William only nodded, gave the piece of paper back to him and took a deep breath.

"I am fine, Mr. Carson. I knew it would happen soon."

Charles nevertheless patted the boy's shoulder. "We better take you to King's Cross."

ooooo

He had decided to accompany William. Lord Grantham understood that it was better for the boy not to travel on his own, although Grantham house would have to get along without the butler and its second footman for a few days. Charles' decision had been a quick one that required no second thoughts. His sense of duty that had always made him put his work first and everything else second became so unimportant suddenly. Maybe it was William's way of suppressing all his emotions, keeping a blank face on their way to tell Lord Grantham of their decision and even throughout their brief talk, that made him forget his professional self for now. The boy reminded him of himself in younger years, always determined to ignore everything personal, only live for his work and his employer. But he knew now that as much as it had helped him to progress in life and gave him the position he now held, it had also prevented him from finding happiness.

Together they stood on the platform waiting for the next train to Yorkshire to arrive. They still had half an hour time and William's gaze was fixed on the distant horizon, the direction of their travel. They had left the house only an hour after the arrival of her telegram and only now did a thought cross Charles' mind. Travelling back to Yorkshire also meant meeting her, being confronted with the consequences of his letter and of course of the present he had made her earlier. In all the hurry and his worries for William he had not even thought of answering her telegram, let alone think about her. And most important: of how he would face her at all.

ooooo

"They will arrive later this afternoon, Mrs. Hughes." Anna waved a piece of paper in front of her face. She was out of breath and her face was flushed from the run towards her sitting room.

"Who will arrive, Anna?" The message did not make any sense to her.

"William and Mr. Carson. They will take the 8:30 train from King's Cross." Elsie grabbed the telegram, almost ripped it out of Anna's hand and read the two lines. He mentioned the train, the approximate time of their arrival and that he would accompany the footman.

"Mrs. Mason is dying then." Anna noted.

"Yes. I am afraid she will. Let's hope they get here in time." Elsie answered. Anna nodded and made her way upstairs again, leaving Elsie behind with the crumpled telegram in her hands. She stood in the middle of the corridor for a while unsure what to do next. Sooner or later he would have returned. But after last night, after all the things she had just realized, her feelings, his message… she could not finish this thought. Suddenly breathing became immensely difficult and the walls around here seemed to collapse. Her free hand reached out to steady herself at the nearest wall. Closing her eyes she hoped the fit of dizziness would vanish as fast as it had appeared but it just got worse. Step after step she managed to grope her way along the wall until she reached the door of her sitting room. She opened it and once inside stumbled towards her settee. Exhausted Elsie sat down, leaning her back against the wall, eyes closed, taking long and deep breaths to steady her nerves.

He was coming home this afternoon and she had no idea how to face him, what to say to him.

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**to be continued**_  
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_A/N2: please let me know when something does not make any sense at all! _**  
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	6. Late June 1914 II

_A/N Thank you for all your wonderful reviews! Yes, I am sorry for my many cliffhangers but they make the story much more interesting ;)_

_This chapter is for kouw!  
_

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**Late June 1914**

They had send the coach to pick them up from the station. Their train had arrived just in time, no delays, although Charles had inwardly hoped that they would never make it to Downton. In the five weeks that were left of the annual season he could have sorted things out, in his head, with her, through letters. Their hurried departure had not left him much time to think things through. But on the other hand he could not have left William travel on his own. And now here he was, forced to take the next step.

Only a few people left the train with them. William stood on the platform, looking a bit lost, unsure whether to put his small travel bag into the back of the carriage or walk right home to his parent's farm.

"Put the bag in here, William. It is best if we first stop by the big house. You should not greet your parents in your travel clothes", he suggested, though in reality all he wanted was to send the boy along and travel back to London immediately. Charles gently pushed William in the direction of the waiting carriage. He could not let his private problems get in the way with his work now.

Their ride to Downton Abbey was too short. His thoughts were still occupied with finding a possible solution on how to greet her. All throughout their journey North, Charles had tried to concentrate on the landscape outside their window, tried not to let his mind wander all the way to Downton. Tried to ignore the image of her face, the sound of her voice that his mind had conjured up. There was suddenly no time left to form a plan.

The carriage stopped at the back entrance and he climbed out of the seat next to the driver, unloaded their luggage, sent the driver back to the stables and then remained standing in front of the door that opened to the backyard, William at his side. They both seemed again unable to make the next step. The boy's gaze was fixed on some spot in the wall, and Charles was clutching the handle of his bag, his hat in the other hand.

When the backdoor inside the backyard creaked because someone had opened it, they were brought out of their reverie.

"We should go inside William. They are probably waiting for us."

William shook his head, took his bag and opened the old weathered door. He gestured for Charles to go in first but he declined. "You go first. I am right behind you." Maybe this was a plan. This way she would see the boy first, fussing over him for a while, giving him time to escape into his pantry. They crossed the backyard and stopped in front of the back door this time. One last step, he thought, when William pushed down the handle to let them in. The door opened wide, letting the familiar sound of their home greet their ears. The expression on the young footman's face suddenly changed, Charles noticed when the boy turned around. A small, shy smile played around his lips. Whereas Charles own facial expression matched his inner turmoil. He had his brow furrowed, a concentrated look on his face.

"Go ahead William. Let them know that we have arrived safely. I will follow you in a minute."

"Yes, Mr. Carson." He quickly made his way down the corridor towards the stairs.

ooooo

According to the telegram their train should have arrived already. She had another look at the clock in the large hall. They should be here any minute. Elsie nervously grabbed the front of her blue dress, felt for the locket underneath the many layers of cloth, hidden from view. In a moment of panic right after the telegram had arrived, she had briefly considered to take his gift off, put it back into the box on her bedside table. Pretending that what she had written was true. It was one of the several options she had thought of all morning before their arrival. They could just return to being co-workers, friends. She could ignore all the feelings inside her that had never been as strong as in the last few weeks since his absence, since her birthday. But the more she had thought of it, the more it became clear to her that there was no way back. Not after all the sleepless nights and the nagging doubts she had overcome. There was the realization that he had spoken out a truth that had lain hidden and well protected inside her heart for too long. So she had let his gift reamin around her neck.

The clock struck the half hour, making her jump with surprise. To her relief the hall was empty. No one witnessed her foolish behaviour. Elsie once more allowed her hand to touch her chest, one last time to reassure her that she would manage to get through their inevitable meeting.

She descended the stairs, slowly, without hurry, taking one step after another, trying to suppress the slight panic that was about to emerge again. At the bottom of the servant's staircase she almost collided with William.

"William!" her voice was maybe a bit too high, too pressed.

"Oh, Mrs. Hughes. I am sorry." He looked down at his feet for a second before facing her again. "Mr. Carson is at the backdoor, waiting for you." He informed her.

She had expected to be able to hide in her sitting room until later, sneak into her refuge before he saw her, but the information she had just been given changed everything. The confrontation she had hoped for and at the same time dreaded would now only be minutes away. As soon as she walked around the corner, she would see him standing at the back door.

"It is good to see you William." She touched the boy's arm in sympathy, trying to calm her nerves. "Will you be upstairs now?"

William nodded.

"Good. I will send one of the boys up to fetch you in half an hour. Then we will have the carriage ready to get you home." Better pretend as if everything was normal, Elsie thought.

Underneath her touch she felt how William tensed up, realizing how serious the situation was he would face at home.

"Everything will be all right," Elsie almost whispered trying to give as much comfort as possible.

"Thank you Mrs. Hughes," he swallowed hard, freed himself of her hand and walked up the stairs.

ooooo

He stood there on top of the stairs that led down into the corridor, rooted to the spot, unable to move, when he heard her voice. It was unusually shrill and full of surprise. She must have met William on her way downstairs. He let his bag drop onto the stone floor and decided it would be best to just remain standing there and wait. He counted the seconds, waited for her to round the corner. After he had counted to 30 he wondered why she had not already appeared. At 100 he was about to reach for his bag again, pick it up and go to his pantry as had been his initial plan. Then he heard the jingling of her keys. Eventually her tiny figure emerged at the end of the corridor, facing him, standing still just like he did, hesitant, unsure.

"Mr. Carson! It's good to see you." He startled at the sound of Anna's voice who came out of the kitchen.

"Anna," he could not say more at this point and had to clear his throat first before he continued. "It is good to see you too. Would you do me a favour and bring my bag upstairs?"

"Of course Mr. Carson." The head housemaid smiled warmly at him. "How is William?" she took his bag and stepped forward into the corridor, waiting for him to follow. Now he had to move.

"He is bearing up. I guess they send him upstairs to his room." Charles focused on the back of Anna's head, not daring to look at her again.

"We are all very sorry." They had almost reached her by now. She was still standing in the shadow of the doorway, observing them.

"Mrs. Hughes", Anna must have noticed her only then. "Mr. Carson and William have arrived." She beamed at the older woman then turned left and made her way upstairs.

ooooo

He stood right in front of her, a crooked smile on his lips, his hat in his left hand, fumbling with the brim. Her eyes locked with his and she noticed how her breath involuntarily quickened, how her chest felt constricted. She could not say a single word, let alone move. Her left hand grabbed the locket underneath her dress; the right hand wrinkled the fabric of her dress when she clutched it tightly.

"It is good to see you." He whispered after what felt like minutes.

* * *

**to be continued**


	7. Late June 1914 III

_A/N thank you Maple Fay and the maids diaries for your input and beta-ing! It helped a lot. Still, I rewrote this chapter. It's a very emotional one._

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**Late June 1914**

His words only intensified her nervousness and all of a sudden she wished to be anywhere but standing in the middle of the corridor. In a desperate attempt to calm her nerves, she lowered her eyes to look at the floor. A moment of awkward silence between them followed in which her mind tried to come up with an excuse to escape from all of this.

She looked at his hands, how they still held his hat. Looked at his shoes, covered in dust from the short walk across the backyard. "You must be tired from the long journey. Mrs. Patmore will make you some sandwiches," hastily she stumbled through the sentence. It was the best solution she could think of and before he had a chance to protest, or to give her an answer, Elsie had already passed him hurriedly. Only for a split second did her hand unexpectedly brush his arm yet this brief contact sent a shiver done her spine, causing her to quicken her pace even more.

"Mrs. Patmore!" the cook was not even in sight, yet Elsie felt the need to call out for her immediately, get herself distracted as fast as possible from the brief touch, from the look on his face, from that embarrassing moment she had just experienced.

"What is it, Mrs. Hughes?" Mrs. Patmore had her hands in a bowl full of dough for next day's bread. She eyed the housekeeper suspiciously, obviously expecting to be given some extra and, in her opinion, unnecessary work.

"Would you please prepare some sandwiches for Mr. Carson and William?" Elsie's voice was unintentionally stern all of a sudden, close to the edge of screaming. The bottled-up emotions tried to find a way out now.

"William is here?" Daisy exclaimed from somewhere in a high pitched voice. Elsie turned her head; saw the girl standing next to the store cupboard door with a broad smile across her face. She was not even surprised to see the young kitchen maid like this. How much different love felt when you were still young. It held no high expectations, was void of complicated, repressed emotions.

Yet she reprimanded the girl, tried to make her aware of the reason why William was back at Downton Abbey. "He is upstairs Daisy, and will be off to see his mother soon." They all had to face him and the sorrowful truth sooner or later. "You have the sandwiches ready Mrs. Patmore, and have Daisy bring them to Mr. Carson's pantry later please."

The cook snorted and mumbled something that sounded like _And the Scottish Dragon is back._ Elsie tried her best to ignore it and left the kitchen as hastily as she had entered it before. She needed to find something to do now, keep herself distracted, otherwise she would collapse, scream or in the worst case, cry again. Her steps led her towards her sitting room, unavoidably passing his pantry on the way. Her feet involuntarily moved quicker until she reached her door, opened it and rushed inside the safety of her own four walls. Finally she was alone.

ooooo

Elsie gave him not the slightest chance to answer her question. Instead she had rushed past him, briefly brushed his arm and almost screamed at Mrs. Patmore. He could still feel her touch, could still see how she had clutched something underneath her dress, feel her nervousness. They had to talk soon or otherwise she would collapse. He overheard their talk in the kitchen, noticed that Elsie Hughes was not at all the person she pretended to be at this very moment, and he knew that his sudden return from London was the cause for her eventual emotional breakdown.

After what felt like an eternity, Charles heard her leave the kitchen, followed the sound of the jingling keys along the corridor until the noise of a closing door swallowed every former presence of her. Only then did he find the courage to move and go to his pantry. He needed to be alone for a while, settle his thoughts first in order to be able to face her a second time. His footsteps reverberated on the stone floor as he made his way across the corridor. During the season the house was unusually quiet. Every move and every sound seemed to be twice as loud.

Charles carefully opened the door to what he considered to be his own four walls, his refuge, his home. Once inside he felt how his nerves relaxed and a wave of exhaustion washed over him. The long journey and the all but awkward welcome took its toll. He looked around the room that he occupied for two decades now. Everything was still at its familiar place and the window had been opened to let a fresh summer breeze in, spilling light across the stone floor, illuminating the small table in the corner. He observed the dust particles that danced in the sunlight for some time before he went over to sit down at his desk to get some rest. It was then when he noticed the difference.

A faint smell, barely noticeable was in the air. Her smell. A forgotten tea cup stood on the right side of his desk, the place Elsie Hughes often took when she came to visit him after their long and exhausting days; a half-eaten biscuit lying on the saucer. She had been in her lately. And in that moment another thought crossed his mind so abruptly that he sharply drew his breath. It made perfect sense now, her behaviour a few minutes ago, her tenseness, the way her hands had grabbed the front of her dress.

ooooo

She had to take a few deep breaths, a desperate attempt to calm down, to understand the situation at hand. With closed eyes she leaned against the closed door, listened to the sounds around her, noticed the slight vibration that carried through the thin walls between her rooms when he entered his pantry next door, heard his footsteps on the floor. This was not helping at all, this was ridiculous! She was a grown woman in a respectable position, leading a huge household for years now. How could she behave like a hurt, lovelorn schoolgirl? Why did she feel the need to hide herself? She had made up her mind in all these weeks. Now was her chance to face everything. Elsie turned around and her hand reached out to open her door, ready to cross the corridor over to his pantry where she knew he was waiting. But to her surprise the door opened on its own before her hand had even touched the handle.

"Mr. Carson." He stood in the frame, as always one head taller than her, casting a shadow on the floor and on her face. Charles Carson could be intimidating if he wished to but she had long ago learned to admire his height and usually felt secure in his presence. If only he could evoke that exact feeling now and give her back her self-confidence. Instead her voice was void of any sound all of a sudden, a mere whisper, not at all resembling her stern housekeeper's demeanor. "I didn't hear your knock."

"Can I come in Mrs. Hughes? I think we should talk." She noticed how hoarse his voice was, how much effort it cost him to speak these words. Perhaps she was not the only one afraid of what would happen to them next.

"Of course", she heard herself answer and gestured towards her armchair that stood in the corner next to the desk. He hesitantly took a few steps into the room, closed the door behind him and waited until she would take a seat. But Elsie was rooted to the spot again, which forced him to sit down first. It took her a few seconds to take the next step and then she barely made it over to her desk. He could only see her profile when she had settled herself uncomfortably on her chair because she avoided facing him fully. One look into his eyes would result in nothing else but tears. She could and would not allow him so see her break.

"You forgot your teacup the other day."

"I did?" Her answer still nothing more than a whisper. "I am sorry."

"Don't be. It is nice to know that the room is not unoccupied during the season." To her surprise the hoarseness in his voice was gone and replaced by a tone Elsie had never heard before, calm, tender, loving. He was about to talk about it and all she was capable of doing was to look down at her hands in a desperate effort to do something. Elsie entwined her fingers, pressing them together so tightly that her knuckles turned white. A minute ago she had made her decision, her mind had been set to talk to him. She had already been on her way to his room. And now every one of her intentions was gone, disappeared into meaninglessness.

"I had them open the windows every day", she said to her hands.

"Thank you for that." Silence followed, making the situation even more surreal. She could hear his breath, smell his cologne, feel his presence and yet was unable to look up although every fibre of her body screamed to finally let go of her anxiousness.

ooooo

He had realized that none of them had spoken a word for a while. The tension in the room became tangible the more time lapsed away. Charles had to do something but the only thing he could think of was reaching out, touching the back of her hand, reassuring her that they would be fine after they had talked. And that was exactly what he did.

Her hands were so cold and he could feel how she stiffened for a second before her hands opened to hold his between them. "Elsie." Slowly her head turned and he could finally see into her eyes again. "It's been too long since I've last used your name."

"It has." If he was not mistaken there was a smile on her lips. He sat on the edge of his chair, leaned closer to her, let his other hand carefully touch her cheek.

"Elsie, I did not want to hurt you." He had her full attention now though her smile vanished after he let his fingers feel her soft skin. "I could no longer keep it to myself and I am sorry if I have offended you in any way." She tightened her grip around his other hand. "So sorry", he whispered.

"You did not offend me", she hesitated, "Charles." To hear his name from her lips was more he had dared to hope. "It is a wonderful, precious gift."

ooooo

His touch had woken her up. So softly, carefully and without any hurry as if he had broken a spell. The sound of her name made her wish the world would stop turning this very minute so that she could relive this moment again and again. But when his fingers found their way to her cheek she had problems to stay on her chair. Never before had she experienced such an urge to jump up and into this man's arms.

"You wear it then?" he risked to ask.

She had to let go of his hand, studied his face while she did so and found no regret in it. Instead this small smile that seldomly showed on his lips appeared. Elsie reached for the back of her neck, opened the fastening of the golden chain and revealed the locket.

"Every day." She held it in her open hand for him to touch it. "I've made up my mind I guess."

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**to be continued**

****_And in the next chapter all these stupid withheld emotions will FINALLY be lived. I can't see them both to broken anymore :-)_


	8. Time has no meaning anymore

_A/N after the last very emotional chapter I kept you waiting for some time. Now here's the update - a very short one (only half the length of the previous one) but I think I can write a new chapter this weekend._

_Thank you so far for your wonderful reviews and PMs  
_

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**Time has no meaning anymore**

His fingers touched her palm first, then ghosted over the locket, ready to take it from her hand. Elsie's gaze was fixed on his face, on the eyes that looked at the gift in her hand, the faint smile on his lips. She only felt the weight from her palm lift, did not see how he took the locket. But she could see how his eyes found hers again when he stood up to stand behind her, ready to put the golden chain back on around her neck.

"May I?" she heard his deep voice very close to her ear.

"Yes," her voice trembled and as soon as she felt his fingertips gently touch her neck, she could not help but tense up again. During all these years they had never had a lot of physical contact. Certainly he offered her his arm when they walked to church on Sundays, but several layers of cloth prevented any sensation. It was nothing more than a gentlemanly gesture. She had also touched his arm numerous times before when she tried to calm him down in an argument or in an effort to undermine her opinion in one of their many quarrels. But never before had she felt his bare hands on her skin. First her cheek now her neck.

Carefully he closed the clasp and then let his hands linger on her shoulders, so gently that she almost could not feel them.

"I should have done that at your birthday." There was a hint of regret in his voice now. "It was not fair to burden you with such a confession without a proper explanation."

Her shoulders relaxed gradually under his touch. And Elsie gathered all her courage for her next step. Her hand reached out to cover his right hand underneath hers. "Can you understand why I haven't been able to make a decision right away?"

She felt how he turned his hand around to fully grasp hers. "Of course." A deep sigh followed before Elsie felt how her hand was taken away from her shoulder when he moved around the chair to stand in front of her. "But have you made one now?"

ooooo

Those deep blue eyes looked up to him, studied his face closely, every line, every dimple, all the years that had left their mark on it. Her answer was not expressed with words. Instead Elsie Hughes rose from where she sat to stand before him, her hand still in his, the other moving upwards to cup his cheek. Her thumb caressed his cheekbone with such a shy tenderness that a shiver ran down his spine. "I have." On tiptoes she was just tall enough to reach his mouth and the next thing he felt were her soft lips on his own. They touched only briefly for a chaste kiss but this more than unexpected reaction left him breathless.

The woman in front of him shyly cast down her eyes like a young girl, withdrew her hand from his face but still held his hand tightly. If he had known what her decision would be like, that it had only needed him to appear at Downton Abbey unexpectedly to receive such an answer to his confession, he would have packed his bags in London immediately. Or at least asked Lord Grantham to grant him a few days off to settle some important _family_ matters. Any lie, as much as he hated to tell them, would have been justified for the feelings he experienced right now.

In a slightly hesitant move, he took her small figure into his arms for an embrace, allowed her to bury her face into his chest while he rested his chin on top of her head. Her smell was intoxicating. This time it was not a hint, a faint memory of a time long past, but reality.

ooooo

She had never dreamed to be held by him like this, in a tender embrace, close to his chest and to his heart. The kiss was something that had required all her strength and courage that was left inside her. She had finally let her heart take the lead. The reward followed almost instantly when his arms encircled her upper body and drew her close. Carefully Elsie let her hands touch his back and rest there, feeling how his chest moved with every breath he took. Now she felt secure again, reassured that the decision she had made was the right one. The sleepless nights, nightmares and tormenting thoughts had been worth fighting against.

Elsie felt how his hands caressed her back and his lips touched her hair ever so softly. She could have stood in her room for the rest of the day, just being held by him, in this strong arms, against this broad chest. But a noise from outside unfortunately found a way into her subconsciousness. Daisy knocking on the other door, next to her sitting room, calling out for Mr. Carson.

"Charles", she did not want to speak though the emerging situation required it.

"I know." Reluctantly he let go, his hands slid down to rest on her waist. Elsie chanced another look into his eyes and found so many unspoken words in them that it almost broke her now mended heart again. Unknowingly she bit her lip which was rewarded with a small smile.

"You look beautiful when you do that", he whispered. "And I always wondered if it would be all right to kiss your sorrows away. Because you are worried whenever you bite your lip. I can tell."

"I give you permission today." How well she knew her was astonishing. And how much she wanted him to kiss her, overwhelmed Elsie. But they had to stop this now, prepare themselves for the knock on her door that would certainly sound within the next few seconds.

"Mrs. Hughes?" Daisy's voice penetrated through the wooden door. "I have the sandwiches ready for Mr. Carson. May I come in?"

* * *

**to be continued**

_Reviews are always very much appreciated as well as suggestions on how the story should proceed._**  
**


	9. Grief and a Decision

_A/N Thank you for your patience :). My muse was on holiday apparently... ignoring my dreams and refused to turn them into a longer chapter._

**Still late June 1914**

* * *

"No, Mr. Carson. I have to face this alone." Stubbornly he stood before him, holding the sorrowful gaze the butler gave him for a while and refusing to allow Charles to accompany him.

"You do not know what awaits you, William. I've been through this before. Trust me, it is good to have someone there with you." he tried again to change William's mind, but to no avail.

"I have my Da." He lowered his eyes to the ground, his voice shaking now, full of worry and fear. "I will be all right Mr. Carson."

"Let him go." It was Elsie's voice from behind him that made Charles eventually reach out for Williams shoulder to give it one last reassuring squeeze. "We will think of you and pray for your mother and father."

The footman nodded, and then hurriedly went out through the backdoor into the wonderful sunny weather, letting in a breeze of a fresh, flowery scented air. How unfair life could be, Charles thought. Most people enjoyed the fair weather outside today, taking care of nothing else than their wellbeing. And yet there were others amongst them that had to face the saddest moments of their life. William being one of them. For a moment he stared out into the backyard through the open door, followed the boy with his eyes until he was out of sight.

"He knows that he is not alone." The still unfamiliar feeling of her hand in his made him once more aware of her presence and what had just happened mere minutes before William had left. "Trust me, he will look for your help and comfort later."

"And for yours as well," he whispered and was about to take her hand up to his lips to kiss it, but Elsie slightly shook her head, reminding him of the risk he took, of their exposed location. The kitchen behind them, housemaids scurrying busily around. So he reluctantly let go of her hand, memorizing its warmth and the feel of her skin against his.

ooooo

"I should return to my duties. You know how much work there is even when the family is in London." Elsie smoothed down her dress, trying to keep her thoughts away from wandering into the direction they had been going when she held his hand. They had not spoken a lot yet. There were still so many open questions, so many uncertainties and she needed to know where their lives would lead to now. An hour ago her world had changed completely.

She looked at her hands that played with the chains pinned to her waist, keys jingling faintly while she did so. Staying at Downton was not an option unless they kept their love secret. And love it was. Elsie no longer doubted that feeling the look into his eyes or the brief touch of their hands stirred in her. Not after they had shared that one, first and special kiss. However, she did not want to leave her home, her work, her life. This was her most important yet unanswered question. What would happen next?

"As much as I want to have you for myself for a few more hours", Charles started, "I am afraid you are right. I assume you do not need my assistance?"

How he stood there, looking down into her eyes with a lopsided smile on his lips, was most adorable. Elsie was tempted to answer with a short and simple _no _to his question but then reminded herself how unlikely it would be to get any work done when he was around. "Why don't you take a nice long walk, enjoy the afternoon sun?" she suggested.

"I would enjoy it much more if you would accompany me." She felt how his hand reached out for hers again, his thumb stroking her wrist, sending a shiver down her spine. Elsie had to swallow hard before she could answer and she had to ignore the warm sensation his touch caused within her.

"Then I should better make sure it won't take long." Reluctantly she walked away from him, holding his hand as long as possible, until their fingertips where the last part that still touched each other. Only then did she turn around, quickened her pace and walked up the stairs.

ooooo

The image of Elsie Hughes sitting in front of his desk at night while he was away in London, drinking tea, filling the room with her presence and with that wonderful smell would not leave his mind. She had accepted his gift, she had kissed him. When he closed his eyes, he could still feel her lips, so soft and wonderfully warm.

Yet, they had not found the time to talk and there was so much he needed to know, to make certain. Writing down the words that had opened her heart had cost him so much courage already. The consequences that would follow he had actually never considered thoroughly. When they wanted to stay at Downton they had to hide their love and he would not expect Elsie to put up with this burden. Not after all they had been through to finally allow themselves to show their real feelings for each other. But leaving Downton was not an option for him either.

Charles sighed and looked up to the window where he could still see the sun shining in. Maybe a walk was not the worst idea, even though he had to do without her company. It would allow him time to think, collect his thoughts, come up with a solution. He got up, decided to leave his hat and coat behind and went out through the back door, across the backyard and through the small wooden door inside the brick wall.

ooooo

She found the boy sitting bent double on one of the wooden vegetable crates next to the back door when she was on her way to see if the bed lines were already pressed and ready to be sorted into the linen cabinet again. He did not notice her presence, did not look up, only stared at his feet. His shoes were dusty and so was the seam of his trousers. Elsie noticed the wet drops on the sandy ground before him, silent witnesses of his tears.

"William." Her voice was very quiet. She did not want to frighten him, hurt his fragile soul even more. The boy did not react, so Elsie gave it another try. "William?" Louder this time.

Slowly his head turned to face her, quickly covered by his left hand that wiped away the tears. "She is gone, Mrs. Hughes" His voice tried to be strong but she could hear the grief nevertheless.

"I know." She sat down on a crate next to him and hesitantly patted William's shoulder. "Were you able to say good bye to her?"

He nodded. "She was almost unconscious when I arrived. I was almost too late, Mrs. Hughes."

Elsie tried to ignore the tears that threatened to flood her eyes. "But you were not William. She knows how much you loved her, how important it was for you to see her one last time." Her voice sounded stronger than she had expected.

"Why?" One simple word but the question he asked was unanswerable for her. Elsie bit her lip, swallowed down the sadness and helplessness.

"We will never know why, William. Only God knows." She draped her arm cautiously around the boy's shoulders, allowed herself to show him how much she cared. That she was not just his superior within the household but also someone he could trust. William accepted her offer immediately and his head fell on her shoulder, the tears now streaming down his cheeks. She felt his sobs shake his body and gently let her hand stroke his upper arm.

ooooo

He returned from his walk almost at dinner time. It had been a good decision to walk around the vast grounds, down to the small river and up to the orchard. Somehow the house had obstructed his thoughts, prevented him to find the simple answer to the most important decision of his life. Perhaps todays chain of events had also played a role, made it harder for him to clear his head. Before he opened the backdoor once more he looked up to the topmost windows of the house, their rooms, their place to be, their home.

Mrs. Patmore was busy ordering the kitchen maids around. He could hear her loud voice over the clatter of pots and pans. A wonderful smell of freshly baked bread and Downton's famous lamb stew filled the air. The London food could not compare with it. He passed by the closed door of Elsie's sitting room and paused for a moment unsure whether to open it and see if she was there waiting for him or to continue his way down the corridor towards the servant's hall.

"Mr. Carson!" Anna, a warm smile on her lips, suddenly stood before him. "Mrs. Hughes was looking for you." She turned around and obviously expected him to follow her. He took his hand off the handle where he had just placed it, and turned his head to see if Anna was waiting for him. But the housemaid was already gone though he could hear her voice from somewhere near.

Just as he was about to finally follow her, a familiar sound caught his attention. There she stood, in the passage between the kitchen and the servant's hall, smiling at him, waiting, the keys at her hip still jingled faintly. Unlike their first encounter earlier, his feet this time had no problem to obey. "Anna told me you were looking for me?"

"William is back." The smile vanished, but he could feel her hand brushing his as they walked next to each other down towards the servant's hall. "It took all of my persuasiveness to make him join us for dinner tonight."

Instead of an answer he took her hand in his, squeezed is reassuringly and let go of it before they entered the room together.

* * *

**to be continued**

_A/N I know, the story is REALLY slow at the moment and the tone is different from the first 8 chapters, but that was on purpose :)_

_One more to go!  
_


	10. Important Questions

_A/N Wow, so many reviews! you are killing me! Thank you! I know I said this was the last chapter but then... plotbunny happened and I could not leave out a certain part._

_Please tell me if this story takes a wrong direction or if there is anything you don't like. I feel like I am getting lost somehow ;))  
_

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**Important Questions**

The servants that remained at the big house during the season were already sitting around the table, eagerly waiting for their bowl of stew. When the housekeeper and butler entered the servant's hall chairs were shoved aside and everyone was on their feet quickly. Except for William. Charles simply nodded and allowed them so sit down again. From his seat at the head of the table he observed William from a safe distance. He sat on his usual chair next to the piano, staring at his empty plate, not paying attention to the lively chatter that had arose once again around him.

All his own worries were suddenly so meaningless compared to William's grief. Losing a parent so early in life when you did not even know your own place in society, could easily break you. And the young footman had a kind and gentle soul that was not used to handle sorrow. Elsie had been right. The boy needed his comfort, advice and help although he would most likely not acknowledge it.

He risked a quick glance in her direction and noticed that she bit her lip while keeping her gaze fixed on the boy. He wanted to reach out again, touch her, take away her sorrows but hesitated for a moment before he let his hand slid underneath the table and touch her knee. He did not know if this was the right thing to do because he could feel how she startled at his touch, turned her head in a sudden movement to look at him. All these intimacies he had longed for so many years were now so overwhelming for both of them and Charles had to remind himself not to overdo it. He wanted to take it slow, to cherish every moment, to give her time so he decided to withdraw his hand slowly again. But then he felt her fingers atop of his, encircling his hand that was so much larger than hers, holding it tight down onto her knee. They sat like this for a while until Daisy entered the servant's hall carrying a large bowl of stew.

ooooo

She allowed him to touch her, her hand, her knee. A small exchange of intimacies hidden from view but so important and needed at the moment. Without them she would have been as lost as William. How did she manage to suppress her feelings for the past ten years? Why did she never allow them to take the lead when the simplest touch from his hands was capable of taking away so much of her worries at once?

When dinner was served she let her leg touch his underneath the table to substitute the feeling his hand had left on her knee. He held his spoon a bit tighter than usual, let his eyes catch her gaze more often in return. The constant smile on his lips told her that she had done the right thing. Yet it was replaced by worry at the end of their meal when William was the first to get up and leave the room.

"He needs some time on his own now." Her hand held his arm down, prevented him to follow the boy immediately. "I found him in the backyard earlier, crying." The memory of their encounter still caused her heart to ache and she felt how fresh tears welled up. "Please be sensitive when you talk to him."

"I will." He gently removed his arm from underneath her touch and left the hall, his shoulders sagged, his steps not as determined as usual. Even from afar Elsie could feel how much he cared for the boy and it made her love him even more.

ooooo

She waited impatiently in her sitting room for his return. Outside the sun began to set already, many of the lesser servants had already gone to bed. Through the open door she could hear how Mrs. Patmore sent Daisy up to her room to get an early rest, followed by Anna's light step when she passed along the corridor outside her room.

"Good night Daisy," the head housemaid called out and an answer from the cook followed.

"You should also go to bed. You look tired."

"Thank you Mrs. Patmore but I'm fine."

Elsie smiled when she heard the reply. Anna was one of the few servants that got along with the cook rather well. Perhaps it was her kind and patient personality that made it easier for her to weather the verbal attacks Beryl sometimes released. Mr. Bates would get a wonderful wife one day and Elsie could not deny her jealousy when she thought of the couple. Anna had listened to her heart early enough, ignored all the rules, had not hesitated and was now awarded with the prospect of a good marriage.

She reached for the golden chain and revealed the locket from underneath her dress. Her hand encircled it, held it tight. She closed her eyes and concentrated on the feeling of the warm round object in her hand, thought of the words it contained and what these words had induced. If they meant a secret love within the walls of their home, Downton, she would accept it.

A faint knock ended her reverie.

"Mrs. Hughes?" Anna stood in the doorway, carrying a tray with two cups and a pot of tea. "I am sorry to disturb you. I thought you and Mr. Carson would enjoy some tea after the day's events?"

Elsie let go of the locket, decided for a split second to hide it again underneath the collar of her dress but it was too late anyway. Anna had already entered her room and she saw how her eyes got attracted by the golden glow of the piece of jewellery.

"This is a beautiful locket." She observed, putting the tray down onto the small table at the door. "Was this the gift from Mr. Carson?"

There was no use of denying it now so Elsie stood up and crossed the room to stand next to Anna. "It is, Anna. Thank you for the tea. That was a very kind gesture. Mr. Carson will definitely appreciate it a lot." She hoped that the housemaid could not see the engraving on the locket in this rather dimly lit corner of her room. It had taken her so much courage already to admit her feelings to Charles, she could not talk about it to anyone else at the moment. Although it was Anna, probably the only person in this household who would understand.

Anna had the decency to not take a closer look at the locket. Perhaps she already knew, Elsie thought. "Do you happen to know where Mr. Carson is?"

"The last time I've seen him was at dinner." Anna shrugged her shoulders. "Maybe he is still with William?"

ooooo

He had followed the boy upstairs, found him lying on his bed, crying. Under the usual circumstances he would have told him to stop this childish behaviour and act like a respectable footman rather than like a child. But not today. He let himself into the room without knocking and sat down on the bed next to William.

"Leave me alone, Mr. Carson." He mumbled into the mattress, turning his head away from him.

"No I won't William." His hand reached out and patted the boy's shoulder. "You should not be alone today and it is all right to cry. There is no need to feel ashamed."

They had sat like this for nearly an hour, Charles' hand on William's shoulder, the young man crying and sobbing uncontrollably but without making another attempt to turn away from the older man. Finally the sobbing subsided and William sat up, red faced and completely exhausted.

"Feeling a bit better?" Charles asked although he knew that the pain would never completely go away and that even after crying ones heart out, one did not really feel better, just empty.

"A bit," William lied and searched the pockets of his jacket for a handkerchief to wipe away the last tears on his cheeks. "Why do you care so much, Mr. Carson?" his voice was small, almost that of a child afraid to ask a question.

Charles sighed. William always saw him as a superior, the head of staff, the stern butler that allowed no mistakes and always pushed him to the limit. "As I've told you before, I've been through this myself when my father died. And I had no people that took care of me back then."

William looked at him, his mouth half open in surprise. "I am sorry, Mr. Carson. I did not know that."

He ignored what was said and went on. "Here at Downton you are often far away from your family and although it might seem a place with a lot of rules and restrictions it does not mean that people do not care about each other, William."

A moment of silence followed. "Thank you," the young footman whispered finally.

ooooo

Just before she was about to blow out the candle that already burned low underneath the pot of tea, his large shadow appeared in the doorway, followed by his low and rumbling voice. "I am sorry. This day turned out to be more eventful than I thought." The door closed behind him and he stood in front of the small table, waiting for a sign from her obviously.

She stood only a few steps away from him and as always had to tilt her head back to look into his eyes. Her hand played with his gift that still hung around her neck, visible to everyone's eyes now. They were finally alone, had time to talk, unobserved and undisturbed. She took one hesitant step towards him without averting her gaze. All day she had unconsciously waited for this moment, but fled from it when he arrived hours ago, then managed to allow her heart take over, only to be disturbed by Daisy. The rest of the day had been overshadowed by work and the concern about William. And now he stood there, looking at her, smiling, in her room, the door closed, the sun almost set outside. Just the two of them with time to talk, an opportunity to answer all the unanswered questions and remove the last doubts.

She wanted to say something, ask whether William was all right and if this was what had taken him so long. But her voice failed, only her mouth opened.

"I have kept you waiting all day." He whispered, then took one step forward and closed the gap between them. His hand reached out to touch her cheek. She could feel his thumb at the corner of her mouth. "And I've promised to take away your sorrows earlier, haven't I?"

And then she felt his lips again, kissing first the corner of her mouth, then her bottom lip until they finally found her mouth and covered it fully in a gentle kiss. He had cupped her cheeks with both his hands and Elsie almost lost her balance. Her hands tried to find a hold on his hips and she managed to draw herself closer without breaking the kiss that increased in intensity now. She could feel how his tongue touched her lips and instinctively opened her mouth a bit. What happened next totally overwhelmed her. This was nothing compared to the quick kisses she had shared a lifetime ago with Joe or the hesitant kiss they had exchanged earlier.

A small moan escaped from the back of her throat, her knees felt suddenly too weak to support her body and she started to shake. He slowly pulled away from her.

"Elsie, are you all right?"

She panted and rested her head against his broad chest, let her arms encircle his waist to keep herself upright. "I am fine", she whispered, "fine." Her eyes were closed and she took a moment to catch her breath before she risked looking up into his face again. The concerned look that greeted her caused Elsie to smile. "You kissed my sorrows away."

Her smile was answered and sealed with another small kiss on her forehead. "Do not tell me no one has ever kissed you like this before."

Elsie could feel how she blushed. "No one ever has."

A strand of hair had found its way out of her always impeccable hairdo and he tucked it away tenderly. "Then I am glad to have been the first."

ooooo

Time had no meaning anymore. She could not tell how long they had stood there, Charles resting his chin on her head, she pleased to be held tight to his chest, listening to his heartbeat and absorbing his warmth. "Charles", she spoke into his shirt, took a deep breath, trying to calm down even more before she continued. "What happens next?" These were the words that had haunted her all day whenever she had thought of their future. This was the important question that needed to be answered, discussed, and considered thoroughly before they could go on with what they had been doing today.

She held her breath, eagerly waiting for his answer.

* * *

**to be continued**


	11. Final Decision

_A/N Thank you for the patience. Sorry I did not update earlier but I had absolutely no inspiration for this last chapter. I rewrote it again and again and am not entirely happy with it but posted it anyway._

_Thanks for your lovely reviews! 3 they mean a lot to me!  
_

* * *

**Final** **Decision**

He moved away from her, but only far enough to be able to look into her eyes. His hands still rested on the small of her back, supporting her.

"Elsie," he started, studying her face, focusing on her blue eyes that he had always admired because of all the emotions they expressed even when the rest of her face remained motionless. "I meant what I wrote though I wish I could have told you the exact same thing in person on the day you received my gift."

She looked at him in anticipation and made him realize that whatever he would answer now would change his life forever. He could not go back anymore, deny everything. Yet taking the final step made him nervous. Even more than he had been when he had written that short but so meaningful note.

Charles felt her hand on his arm, how she gently stroked it, letting her fingertips travel downwards from his shoulder to his wrist, enticingly slow. "You could say them now," he heard her mutter, almost imperceptible, so shy and at the same time so strong.

"I love you," he did not whisper it, uttered the three words clear and loud enough to probably be heard even outside on the corridor though no one could overhear them now. They were the only ones still awake. "For a long time," he added. "and I am sorry that I could only tell you now."

Her reply came out as a whisper against his lips. "I love you too," and she sealed their promise with another tender kiss that lasted long enough to leave him breathless again. Charles drew her close to his chest a second time before he continued to tell her his decision.

"You asked about our future, Elsie and what will happen next." He could feel how she nodded and took in a deep breath. "I would not want to leave Downton. It is my home, it is our home. It is the only home I know." An unintended sigh escaped him. "But we cannot stay here unless we keep everything secret. And I am tired of this. I don't want to burden you with this."

ooooo

She listened intently to his words that resounded in his chest when he spoke. Elsie felt safe and secure in his presence, ready to risk everything – their position, their reputation, their home. Even keeping their relationship a secret did not matter to her anymore. It was not a burden. Somehow the last few hours had made her fully realize what she had tried to understand during the last few weeks after her birthday. After that kiss all her anxiousness had disappeared. What mattered now was them, their happiness and she would take on everything to never let him go again.

His chest rose when he took another deep breath. "Elsie Hughes." He sounded determined and loosened the embrace to be able to lift her chin. She let it happen, holding her breath, waiting for his next words.

"Would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?" And when he finally said it out loud, his voice strong and without a hint of hesitation, she knew that all the fear, the uncertainty, and hesitation she had experienced before his return were a thing of the past.

"Elsie?" In her head she had answered his question numerous times already. Only when she saw the worried look on his face did she notice that she had not given him an answer.

"My answer is yes."

Before she knew, he kissed her again. The feeling of his lips on hers made her forget everything around her, the fact that it was almost midnight and that they had been standing in her sitting room for almost an hour now. Doing nothing else but savouring the only hours of solitude the big house had to offer. He had softly pressed his lips on hers, kissed her once, twice, a third time until his lips stayed in place. There was so much tenderness and desire in his kiss that this time she let her lips part and let her tongue demand entrance into his mouth. The sensation that flooded through her body made her lose her breath and she had to pull apart for a moment to recover.

She could feel the smile on his face as he rested his forehead against hers. "I have never been kissed like that," he admitted, his voice only a whisper. "So I assume we have made the right decision then?"

"Yes, we have."

ooooo

She had completely forgotten about the tea Anna had brought her earlier. It was left standing on the table, the candle underneath the pot extinguished long ago, when they closed the door to her sitting room behind them.

The way upstairs to their rooms took longer than usual since Charles found several excuses to touch her, kiss her and whisper _I love you_ into her ear. She felt like a completely different person, renewed, full of energy and lightheaded from all the kissing. They would be separated for another three weeks when he left for London the next day but this time she would hardly be able to wait for his return.

"You should rest now." They stood in front of the two staircases that led to the servant's quarters. He would soon take the one on the left and she would climb the right one. "And tomorrow I'll talk to his Lordship as soon as I've arrived in London." His lips touched her nose. "Good night."

Elsie waited until he had disappeared around the corner, and only the sound of his footsteps on the old staircase reminded her of his presence. Then she turned around and went into her own room at the end of the corridor, next to the door that separated the men from the women, that one wall that separated her from him tonight.

ooooo

With his Lordships permission, he returned from London two days earlier than the family. Only Lord Grantham knew that the reason for Charles' request was not solely the heavy luggage that needed to be unpacked and sorted prior to their return. His early arrival at Downton Abbey coincided with an appointment at the registrar's office.

Charles had been nervous when he had told Robert Crawley about his decision to marry the housekeeper. But to his surprise, his Lordship had just smiled and shaken his hand with such vigour that he had stood before his employer dumbfounded for a few seconds. The only thing Lord Grantham at first did not agree with was Charles' wish to keep the relationship a secret.

"It is for the best milord." And he had explained what damage it would do to their reputation and credibility if the servants knew. They eventually would be informed but not right away.

ooooo

They stood on the steps in front of the registrar's office, looking up towards the big double door. Elsie wore a simple green skirt and a white blouse together with a green coat and a matching hat. The locket around her neck rested on top of her blouse. He had asked one of the gardeners to arrange a bouquet of fresh wild flowers she now held in her left hand. The other hand had reached out to take his.

"Shall we go in?" he asked without looking at her. This was the final step and the most important day of his life.

"They are waiting for us." He felt how she squeezed his hand and knew that she was not looking at the closed door in front of them but at his face. Carefully he turned his head and caught her gaze. "Nervous?" Her eyes sparkled and she bit her lip again yet the corners of her mouth told him she was actually smiling.

"A bit."

"Then it would be best to go in now." She stepped forward but he remained where he stood. "Charles?" The smile was gone now and replaced by a puzzled look mixed with what he thought was concern.

"One more thing." He closed the distance between them, bent down and placed a soft kiss on her mouth. "I had to kiss your sorrows away. Now we can go."

The locket glinted in the morning sun. Two letters were engraved on its surface. An E and a C, entwined so perfectly to form only one letter. Inside a new note lay hidden with 5 simple words written on it: _I love you Elsie Carson._

_**THE END**  
_


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